“SHE STOLE MY HEART”

The following is a textual representation of a true-life conversation between a man and his God-knows-what. Whatever you do, you must not take the event which follows with a pinch of salt.

Sens O’ Humour (SOH): Knock Knock.

Man: Who’s there?

SOH: Sens O’ Humour.

Man: Sense of whom?

SOH: You heard me the first time but for emphasis, I shall repeat myself. It is your bosom companion, Sens O’ Humour.

Man: (slightly irritated) Whatever. Thanks for dropping by. You can go away now.

SOH: Oh wait, what happened? You failed an exam?

Man: I am not writing any exams currently.

SOH: Oh shit. I offer my condolences. You suffered bereavement, didn’t you? Was it your dog? Poor sod.

Man: No, I didn’t suffer bereavement.

SOH: Why won’t you let me in then?

Man: (grudgingly) Woman trouble.

SOH: Woman trouble? Woman trouble? Are you nuts?

Man: What kind of nuts do you have in mind?

SOH: I see you are nuts.

Man: I’m quite partial to chestnuts… and groundnuts too.

SOH: I was merely asking if you are crazy, nothing to do with chestnuts and/or groundnuts.

Man: (smirks self-satisfactorily) Oh, you should just have said so then.

SOH: Let me get this straight. You do not want me, your bosom companion, cos of a woman? Did she steal your money?

Man: No, she stole my heart.

SOH: She stole your heart? Oh I get it. Open heart surgery huh? Doctors are a dastardly lot; why in this world would you want to date a doc, especially a foreign-trained one?

Man: Don’t be silly.

SOH: That’s about my default setting.

Man: (looks into the distance) I loved her.

SOH: That’s an unnecessary outburst because I see no mentions of “heart” in that statement.

Man: You do know you love with your heart right?

SOH: It’d be really difficult for me to know that.

Man: Shame I didn’t notice earlier.

SOH: Still doesn’t explain how a woman can steal your heart.

Man: Okay, what is it you do not understand?

SOH: Correct me if I’m wrong, but your heart is inside your body, no?

Man: If you want, I can furnish you with a more technical description.

SOH: Save it for your next foreign doc consort, but I’m still puzzled as to how your heart could be stolen without your knowledge. Are you alright?

Man: Are you familiar with the term “figuratively”?

SOH: That’s a bit rich.

Man: Why is that?

SOH: I’m a “sense” too.

Man: Ok. You win. What’s your point?

SOH: That’s a fair compromise to begin with.

Man: Do you know she broke my heart too?

SOH: This keeps getting better.

Man:  (exasperated) Can you be serious for once?

SOH: That’s ironic, surely?

Man: (sighs deeply)

SOH: She stole your heart and now she’s broken it.

Man: Yes

SOH: I should sing a prehumous requiem for us both then.

Man: (angrily) You know what? Fuck off!

SOH: No need to get testy or be vulgar.

Man: I’ll bloody well swear when I please!

SOH: Suit yourself. Oh and try to swell while you’re at it. Your ribs could do with a little more flesh over them.

Man: What?

SOH: Don’t get a heart attack. Oh wait…

Man: Fuck you! I’m only talking to you because there’s no else.

SOH: I think you’re actually talking to yourself. You’ll look really swanky in one of those straitjackets.

Man: (menacingly) I know what exactly I’m gonna do to you.

SOH: What – find some other flighty bimbo who’ll steal me too?

Man: I give up

SOH: Not the ghost hopefully…

Man: Arrrggggghhh! (slumps)

Curtains.

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