NOVEL NIGERIAN MALADIES

There is no greater signal of the misplaced priorities and misdirected energies of today’s Nigerian youth than the nonsense of Thursday night. But first, some background.

I’ll call it Aggressive Secure Ignorance (ASI). I do not know how universal it is, but in my Nigeria, its afflictees have a broad spectrum of syndromes which include limited worldview, anger issues and dinosaurism. Affliction by ASI cuts across status and station. I was making my way from Akoka to Ikeja in a Danfo when we encountered a man carefully making his way across a zebra crossing. To his credit, the Danfo driver stopped to let the man cross. But then to his discredit, that special brand of urban impatience made him honk and front his Danfo aggressively to scare the man off the road a mere few seconds later. The driver objected to the fact that the man wasn’t running across a zebra crossing, even when in his infinite mercy, he had waited for him. This was on a tiny portion of road where, in saner cultures, the pedestrian is king. The people who put the crossings where they are are no buffoons. You will not find zebra crossings on an expressway.

On the night of Goldie’s sad, painful demise, I had an exchange with a certain tweeter I shall simply call Ayourba. This Ayourba person contended that Linda Ikeji and Denrele had no right to go to press with the information that Goldie was dead, opining instead that the role of the bringer of bad news should have been left to Goldie’s family.

I do not care too much for Goldie. However, I was surprisingly shocked and sobered by the suddenness of her death. The last time I reacted that way to a celeb’s death was when Michael joined his ancestors in the land of cloud-cloaked mystery.

Goldie’s death struck a chord, and seeing the limited worldview-dictated aggressive dinosaurism exhibited by Mr Ayourba (who has a reputation as a demagogue of fine measure) compelled me to call him out in no uncertain terms. What is the trouble in a blog breaking the news of a celebrity’s death? Why cast needless aspersions on people for going about their business in a modern way? Who broke MJ’s death? Who broke news of Whitney Houston’s demise? Do celebrities, like goldfish, have any hiding place even in death? By 2013 standards, no, they don’t and it is testament to a bellicose idiocy to think and opine otherwise.

As an aside, last week, I heard the story of how Ondo State commissioners only heard of their sack over the radio. The commissioners were beginning to steadily grow secure that Governor Mimiko may not dissolve his cabinet, because he had not dissolved it before his swearing-in for a second term in office.

Mr Ayourba has since applied that placebic anodyne of blocking (announced in sagely language), designed to make me, the blockee, cower in fear and melt like ice in disarray.

You may amuse yourself further by following this thread: LOL, REALLY.

I have since lost a significant portion of meaning in my life. I now wander the streets aimless, purpose bereft, wondering why I blurted out an attack against dinosaurism and a defence of modern practices, praying that my demagogic hero apply his antidote to my sorry, poisoned, blocked soul. In El Rufai’s Nadir, I wrote:

In Nigeria today, the practice is to shout when discussing matters that affect the polity, because the ability to shout over and above all others is the gold standard. The ones who have made it to the top have become very skilled demagogues, able to inflame passions and incinerate reason and reasonable arguments with several depressions of the button “Tweet”. Demagoguery has now claimed the scalp of one of its more famous practitioners, and it will still claim many more careless people.

It is not best practice to ignore the handwriting on the wall. Hubris goes right before a Humpty crash. Mere mutterings (sometimes disguised as haikus) are enough for the wise.

Antediluvian
wake up. It’s 2013
Antediluvian.*

And only last week, another hack(tivist) – The Princess Fakze – with too much time and information on his hands took to the streets of Twitter to nearly call out another activist who apparently has a knack for impregnating impressed females.

What sin did the Fertile One commit except offend the delicate churchist sensibilities of The Princess Fakze and a passionate but ignorant few others? We worship different Gods: some believe in the Christian God, others in Allah, some in Money, some more in Sex and others combine these Gods as they please. Therefore, people hold themselves to several different moral standards. Let us respect the right to have other viewpoints, because really, there’s no universal book of mores for all 7 billion and one people that populate Earth. Why did The Princess Fakze mount a largely aimless crusade against someone who apparently had too much of a jolly time diving different slippery depths?

See ehn, like it or not, people all over the world leverage on ability and popularity to get their way. Activist or not, people have desires, among which can be seen is a libidinous virility. Why must we castigate a man for leveraging on his awesomeness to bed and pollinate three fully aware and unimpaired females? So far so good, no allegations of rape have come out. Rape is something I’ll have issues with, not consensual sex between adults. Never consensual sex between adults. Did the girls think they were fucking a eunuch? Yes, we may say the man (and the ladies) was careless, but only that, and really, it is none of our business. This business of fucking and foetuses and abortions is between the concerned parties – the man and the three ready receptacles of his fertile semen. Always between the concerned parties, although I can, as always, sit in a corner somewhere and howl in manic laughter.

I do not want to believe the ladies in question put The Princess Fakze up to the outing. I believe – I could be wrong – that The Princess Fakze sees himself as a real life human-sized Voltron, a defender of the universe from the ills of the amoral, which is commendable enough but in this instance, very misguided. There’s a process that leads to sex – it varies in length but it is still a distinct process; these females could have talked to their feet at any point during this process. An activist must either have the ability to cover all the bases of a social issue, or seek help to get a fuller, 360° picture. But no, we prefer to be secure in our ignorance and the infallibility of our tunnel vision. Therefore, like half-done moin-moin, we have too many activists with malformed worldviews. Let us begin to cook our moin-moin enough.

*Dinosaur, the haiku quoted in the piece above, was written by Kayode Faniyi. You never know these things but all rights are reserved, just in case.

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7 thoughts on “NOVEL NIGERIAN MALADIES

  1. These are words taken directly from my mind. It’s awful what we, the “future” of this nation, are up to. We are not so far removed from the generation before us. This thought alone makes me shudder.

  2. This @Ayourb dude is an example of a closed mind, he takes a stand and refuses to change it even in the face of superior logic. The funny but sad truth is that “his ilks make up the larger percentage of the self-appointed sages of Twitter”.

    They are the people who cannot be relevant except they are picking fights or making infantile noises.

    The way to enjoy them is to consider as foils to the real humans, then you will really appreciate your brains.

  3. I think Goke’s tweet all about rounds it up.. Most opinions were procreated to enable an appreciation of better ideals. It’s hard not to criticise, satirize or judge but one has to continue to try. And by the way, I detest dinosaurs, hack-tivists and their ilk.

  4. This piece has lots of indepth meaning that could be mistaken when the mind judges from just a perspective. The last tweet says it all.

  5. Oh boy…phew! My E-in-C…you are supposed to be a carpenter, you hit the nail on the head so well…O kare!

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