BEAUTY IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER

I have been through an awful lot of poetry this year. Has that affected my writing positively? Maybe. However, on one of my numerous poetry research runs, I ran into “You’re Beautiful“, a poem by the – to borrow from MCs/comperes/anchors in my country – multiple  award-winning Simon Armitage. The poem is even more awesome when you hear it read in Simon Armitage’s Scouse accent. I have aped Simon Armitage’s terrifically enjoyable poem rather crudely and this is my humble but crude result. Lastly, I’ve decided to let the lid off this because today, March 21st 2013, is World Poetry Day, in the hope that I will be pitied and tolerated. Kidding of course.

Beauty
lies in the eye
of its beholder. Beholder
behold your beauty
enhanced.

You’re beautiful because you have on your slight build every single
colour on Joseph’s coat
I’m ugly because I think, like Joseph, you deserve to be thrown
in a well, well out of sight

You’re beautiful because you have on a grotesque mask concocted
from Mac’s miniature casks
I’m ugly because I think your beauty is tainted

You’re beautiful because you only wash linens – dirty or not –
in the most interior of your rooms
I’m ugly because I kiss and tweet

You’re beautiful because your whole life lays planned out
before your dainty darting eyes
I’m ugly because for me life is everyday adventure

You’re beautiful because you give to the poor and
canvass for the indigent
I’m ugly because I believe charity begins at home
and remains there – with my wellbeing

You’re beautiful because you espouse such noble concepts as activism,
the struggle against The Man, and protestation
I’m ugly because I believe bravado is a quality best expressed
behind the safety of a keyboard

You’re beautiful because you believe in the longevity
of matrimonial union
I’m ugly because I’m sure the sex becomes monotonous
huff-and-puff after six months

You’re beautiful because you believe in the sanctity of chastity
I’m ugly because my guiding philosophy is this:
sexual – not marital – union is the logical conclusion of pursuit

You’re beautiful because you say your mother’s cooking is the best
and eating roadside is for beasts
I’m ugly because I only associate awesome cooking with Iya Saidat’s
Amala and her ungodly Ogbono gruel

You’re beautiful because you never spit, sneeze or fart
without the world’s permission
I’m ugly because I think farting is a natural consequence of life

You’re beautiful because you wait your turn for grub at a public function
and eat ponmo served you with a fork and a knife
I’m ugly because I only associate “cultured” with bacteria
growing exponentially in a petri dish

You’re beautiful because you fete the lady with flowers
and fruity cake on Valentine’s
I’m ugly because I only take sex, and as an afterthought
give sex.

Beauty
lies in the eye
of its beholder. Beholder
behold your beauty
enhanced.

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