Lagos, July 31, 2013

Nigerian president, Goodluck Ebele Jonathan, has announced the donation of one Armoured Personnel Carrier (APC) each to Police formations across the country. Interestingly, the president announced this personal bit of magnanimity on the heels of the disclosure by the Independent National Electoral Commission that it had finally registered the coalition of three parties to form the All Progressives’ Congress. Pressed about the timing of his announcement, deemed by analysts as an ingenious ploy to take the shine and momentum off the registration of what is generally accepted to be the ruling Peoples’ Democratic Party sternest test still in Nigeria’s Fourth Republic, the president, donning his signature bowler hat smiled before declaring:

“APC? The only APC I give a damn about, and know, and that everyone in the world readily knows is the Armoured Personnel Carrier, units of which I have just donated to Police formations all over the country.”

Dame Patience Jonathan, who walked in during the president’s response added: “APC is APC – Almourmed Personnel Callier. Simple. Go away.”

In a swift reaction to the president’s statement, APC National Secretary, Mallam Nasir El-Rufai, laughed off the president’s “court-jesting”. “LOL”, he began, “the president is a court-jester.”

Not to be outdone, former Rep, Patrick Obahiagbon, a member of the newly formed party by his affiliation with the ACN declared in typical clarity: “Let me say this prestissimo. The tendentious proclivities, the gelastic hijinks, the jocabundus , of the transient indwellers of Aso Rock is odoriferous, ut levissime dicam.”

A Note from our Lawyers: The story you have just read is a news parody. This story is not fact checked. Our reporters are not journalists. And our opinions are not fully thought through. Any semblance of the people mentioned here to actual people, living or dead, is entirely happenstance.



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